Valentine's Day hints for 3 billion idiots

I stole this from an article in my local paper. I know a few people who could use this advice.

For all you clueless men out there, (meaning every man on Earth), tomorrow is a big day. That’s right. The Nuggets play Minnesota in a key Northwest Division match-up. It’s also Valentine’s Day. That means that you have less than 24 hours to go to the store and find that perfect gift for your special someone. And while you’re there, you should also get something for your wife. To help you along, I’ve compiled a comprehensive list of the Valentine’s Day do’s and don’ts, that hopefully will keep you from having to sleep on the couch tonight. Read these hints, learn from them, and successful romancing is guaranteed. Please note that neither the Grand Junction Free Press, nor I will be held liable for any conceptions that may occur. Let’s begin.

When you are competing with others to win someone’s heart:
CORRECT — Outclass the competition by lavishing your potential mate with generous gifts and displays of affection.
INCORRECT — Strap on a diaper, drive 900 miles and pepper spray your rival.

What you want your waiter to say before your Valentine’s dinner:
CORRECT — “I recommend this wonderful 1996 Chardonnay.”
INCORRECT — “That will be $6.57 at the first window.”

Valentine’s Day Email Message to your sweetheart:
CORRECT — “I feel so lucky to have you. Happy Valentine’s Day, and I love you.”
INCORRECT — “Don’t forget to pick up dog food on your way home.”

Future activities you have planned together:
CORRECT — Taking ballroom dancing lessons.
INCORRECT — Joining the bass fishing tournament circuit.

When shopping for that special Valentine’s Day present:
CORRECT — Jewelry store or a flower shop.
INCORRECT — The “Everything Under a Buck” store.

What you say to your wife after she opens your present:
CORRECT — “The salesman assured me that this necklace contains authentic 14-carat diamonds.”
INCORRECT — “The salesman assured me that this is the top-of-the line chainsaw.”

When preparing a special dinner for your sweetheart:
CORRECT — “Please enjoy this fondue appetizer as I put the finishing touches on the chicken cordon bleu.”
INCORRECT — “Do you know how long you’re supposed to microwave corndogs?”

Renting a romantic movie:
CORRECT — “Titanic” or “Sleepless in Seattle”
INCORRECT — “Lusty Librarians Part II”

Romantic music to play during dinner:
CORRECT — Frank Sinatra’s classic: “The way you look tonight”
INCORRECT — Rapper Akon’s hit: “Smack that.”

When giving your sweetheart a single red rose:
CORRECT — “I saw this in the flower shop window, and it reminded me of your beauty.”
INCORRECT — “I plucked this off of Jenny’s desk at work. I figured she already had 12, she won’t notice if one’s missing.”

Comments you make during Valentine’s dinner at your house:
CORRECT — “I thought it would be romantic if we dine by candlelight.”
INCORRECT — “Sorry. I forgot to pay the Xcel bill.”

Your response when your wife leaves for work, and says, (with a sparkle in her eye), “I can’t wait for tonight.”
CORRECT — “I’ll miss you all day long.”
INCORRECT — “I know! Tonight’s episode of Law & Order is NOT a repeat!”

Unique gift idea:
CORRECT — A trip to the spa
INCORRECT — TrimSpa

Message to write on the Valentine card that you mail:
CORRECT — “I’m sorry I cannot be there to deliver this to you in person, but know that my heart is with you now.”
INCORRECT — “I had to mail you a card, since that stupid judge says I’m not supposed to get within 500 feet of you.”

Pledges of Eternal Love:
CORRECT — “You’re the only woman for me.”
INCORRECT — “You’re the only woman for me...at least until Melissa’s divorce is final.”

Romantic Get-a-ways:
CORRECT — “I’ve booked us a cozy room at a charming Bed & Breakfast in Ouray.”
INCORRECT — “It’s usually against Motel 6 policy, but the front desk lady says we can rent the room by the hour.”

What to say to the host or maitre d’:
CORRECT — “My lovely companion and I request a quiet table for two.”
INCORRECT — “My old lady and I are hunkering for some grub.”

Self-Improvement Gift Idea for her:
CORRECT — Gift certificate to a beauty salon to get her hair and nails done.
INCORRECT — Gift certificate to a plastic surgeon to get implants.

What to say to her after your romantic dinner at home:
CORRECT — “I’m going to turn on some soft music. May I have this dance?”
INCORRECT — “You going to eat the rest of that corndog?”

Ways to surprise her at work:
CORRECT — Hire a barbershop quartet to sweetly serenade her with romantic classics.
INCORRECT — Have American Idol reject William Hung sing “She bangs.”

Compliments:
CORRECT — “You look absolutely stunning.”
INCORRECT — “You look absolutely stunning ... then again, I’m kind of drunk right now.”

What to say when renewing your wedding vows:
CORRECT — “I do.”
INCORRECT — “You’ll do.”

Remembering all of these hints may seem overwhelming, but guys, don’t worry. When it comes right down to it, women aren’t concerned about fancy gifts or extravagant Valentine’s day plans, they just want to know that you care. So as long as you just act like you care, you’ll be fine. As for me, I’ve spent days working on plans to ensure that my lovely bride has the perfect, most romantic evening possible. So if you’ll excuse me, I have to get going now.I think the corndogs are burning.

Reach Steve Beauregard beauregardsteve@hotmail.com.